The Microdecisions That Prevent Microaggressions

Last week, I was exiting the women’s restroom at the airport. I noticed someone walking toward me, head down, on the way into the bathroom—and it looked like a man (to me). I almost said, “Excuse me—this is the women’s restroom”—but caught myself.

I spent the ride home thinking about the encounter and the choice I made.

One possibility: it was an older man making a mistake. This is what I thought in the moment. Wouldn’t the man appreciate a heads-up before entering the wrong restroom?

Another possibility: it was a woman intending to use the women’s restroom. Maybe they don’t “look” female to me—but that’s my mistake, not theirs.

I thought through the upsides and downsides of acting on either of these possibilities. 

If it was a man, then by saying something I would have helped a stranger avoid momentary embarrassment. (Although…if they had walked into the ladies’ room, they would have realized their mistake as soon as they saw a woman inside…or discovered the lack of urinals. Their problem would go away very quickly with or without my intervention.)

However, if it was a woman, then I would have committed a textbook microaggression. The person was going about their day, and a total stranger made a comment that singled them out as different. Even if my intent was to be helpful, the impact would cause harm. My comment would remind them that they don’t conform to many people’s assumptions about what a woman looks like.

Is that a big deal? Yes. People who are non-binary, trans, or otherwise gender non-conforming are subjected to overt hostility, persecution and violence. Individuals, institutions, and governments are making their lives more difficult every day. I’d rather not add one more sting to that barrage.

I am confident that I—like the other person headed to the restroom—made the right choice in the end. 

Where We Are Supposed To Be

One place I am turning to help me through this period is my yoga mat.

When I came home yesterday I did a 30-minute yoga practice with one of my favorite teachers. I focused on her words: 

“Hard things will come. Find the calm. Find the confidence. Trust your intuition.” 

A little later: “You’re never going to get more than you can bear.” 

She ended with, “You are exactly where you are supposed to be.” 

In that moment I felt okay. Part of it was just about the focus—staying present and concentrating on the poses and her voice cleared some of the scattered thoughts and worries.

But that last phrase especially has stuck with me, off of my mat. 

“You are exactly where you are supposed to be.” 

Everyone doing the work of equity is in the center of swirling anxiety right now. But it’s absolutely true—we are where we are meant to be. 

DEI professionals, HR people, first responders…people who care for people, or create inclusive spaces in whatever form or role…this is when and where we are needed most.

In spite of everything, we have to remain standing and pressing forward. If none of us were here, it would be so much harder for others. 

This is our role to play. We will continue doing what we know is right. Living our values. 

But it sure helps to hear some encouragement.

What are you doing to stay centered?

Ask Marguerite: How Do I Persuade My Boss Not To Abandon DEI?

“Hi Marguerite, I am an HR Director at a privately held company. Part of my responsibility has been to offer DEI programs to our employees. Given the current climate, my leadership is less enthusiastic about continuing the programming this year. How do you suggest I persuade them that it is still important?”

I can’t imagine you’re the only person with this question. These are certainly challenging times for people who care about DEI.

You won’t get far in the conversation if the anxiety of current events is an elephant in the room. If you’re able to, I recommend taking time to ask a couple of questions to address your leaders’ fears. Acknowledge that there are unknowns and risks, and that you share their commitment to protecting the organization’s legal and reputational integrity. 

With this common emotional ground established, focus on the advantages to the organization. If you’ve been doing DEI work in the past, go back to the “why.” Why did you start doing it? What were your goals? And what have the benefits been? 

Studies show the business value of diversity, inclusion, and equitable access. But make the case as specifically as you can. Show them evidence of systemic improvements—survey data about employee engagement, for instance—and highlight stories that make the data come to life. What great decision was shaped by input from diverse stakeholders? What high-performing hire might not have come on board but for new recruitment methods and a more inclusive culture?

Remind your leaders that these results are just as important as they have ever been, if not more so. With the discourse and news cycle as uncertain as it is, employees are stressed and afraid too. It’s time to invest more in helping them build skills for interpersonal interactions, open discussion, and mutual respect—not cut those supports. 

And if it helps assuage some fears, consider rebranding the programs. Words like “DEI,” “inclusion,” and “implicit bias” have been twisted. You can be clear about what it is without triggering people’s fears—or hiding the ball.

If what you’re doing is team-building, call it that. Teaching managers to lead their diverse teams can be called “Developing Leadership Skills.” Diversity, inclusion, and equity have always benefited everyone in the organization. It’s not deceptive to broaden the nomenclature. 

Now, if you can keep naming things with DEI terminology—or if your mission is explicitly about equity or justice—don’t change the names. In fact, you may have an opportunity to stand with Costco and others and defend the work publicly.. 

Either way, that’s my advice: name the fear, make tactical adjustments, and then continue to do things that are good for your employees. Good luck—and let me know how it goes.