Happy ChrismaHanuKwanzakah

After the Microaggression

We’ve all committed a faux pas at the office, like forgetting or mispronouncing a colleague’s name. 

It’s embarrassing, but usually we apologize and forget about it.

But when the faux pas is a microaggression, it often doesn’t go as smoothly. That’s because the reactions compound the original mistake, resulting in a bigger deal.

Let’s say Colleague A has a non-European identity. It’s probably not the first time their name has been mangled (or hair touched or ethnicity patronized). Maybe not even the first time that day.

So if they react with annoyance, it may seem out of proportion to the person who misspoke (Colleague B). But it is understandable under the circumstances. 

So next comes the reaction to the reaction.

With a regular faux pas, Colleague B might realize they misspoke and respond with an apology and self-deprecating joke. But with a microaggression, Colleague B might be triggered by Colleague A’s frustrated tone and/or fear that they will be judged for their mistake.

Then Colleague B’s reaction is often defensive—“Why so sensitive?” “I’m not racist!”—adding fuel to the fire.

Equally harmful, though, is a cooler reaction: when a person feels so anxious about what they say and how they act that they avoid certain people altogether for fear of “saying the wrong thing.”

I heard a story of a partner at a law firm who confused the identities of two male Asian associates when trying to give one of them an assignment. The partner felt bad and apologized—but he was so embarrassed that he avoided working with the associate again. 

Rather than managing his own embarrassment, he deprived an associate of the opportunity to work with him, which could have had a negative impact on that associate’s career.

These dynamics, both hot and cold, are why we spend so much time talking about microaggressions with clients (and on this blog).

If colleagues understand what makes microaggressions different, and how to navigate the crucial back-and-forth exchanges that follow, they can resolve them in much the same way as any simple slip-up. 

Apologize, validate, change the behavior. And don’t let fear of messing up again prevent you from building a collaborative relationship.

Instead Of Saying “I Didn’t Mean It,” Do These Four Things

We’re all human. We all make mistakes, including “microaggressions.” 

When we do, we don't have negative intent behind it—by definition. Yet so often we feel compelled to defend our intention, explain it, and argue that our good intentions outweigh whatever offense was caused. 

We are afraid that admitting a mistake—especially one that reveals our implicit biases—means we will forever be labeled a “racist,” “misogynist,” “homophobe,” or otherwise “not woke enough.”

The irony is, it’s exactly this reaction that usually gets people the reputation for being backward—not the original mistake. 

When someone tells you that you have hurt their feelings in some way, they (usually) aren’t calling you out to shame you or brand you as an oppressor. They are just asking to be heard. 

So when we get defensive, we miss their point. And the other person will feel unheard, on top of the exclusion they already feel.  

What should we do instead? 

When you feel yourself wanting to defend your intention—”I didn’t mean it,” “You didn’t understand,” “You’re too sensitive”—take a breath. 

This is your chance to be intentional—after unintentionally hurting someone.

Try these four steps:

1. Listen. Paying attention to someone is one of the simplest ways to show respect. It goes a long way.

2. Believe. You might not understand it, or might not have reacted in the same way, but try to believe the person when they describe the impact that your words had on them. Accepting their perspective means you’re learning something new. That’s a gift.

3. Apologize. “I’m sorry.” (There’s no “if” or “but.”) This can be the hardest part—but it’s also what leads away from conflict and toward trust.

4. Work. You will need to avoid causing the harm again. If you’re not totally sure what went wrong, you can ask—but don’t assume the other person will take the time to explain. There are other places you can go to learn. (Like this blog!)

Everyone says the wrong thing sometimes. Mistakes are understandable. Don’t compound the mistake by getting defensive.