Instead Of Saying “I Didn’t Mean It,” Do These Four Things

We’re all human. We all make mistakes, including “microaggressions.” 

When we do, we don't have negative intent behind it—by definition. Yet so often we feel compelled to defend our intention, explain it, and argue that our good intentions outweigh whatever offense was caused. 

We are afraid that admitting a mistake—especially one that reveals our implicit biases—means we will forever be labeled a “racist,” “misogynist,” “homophobe,” or otherwise “not woke enough.”

The irony is, it’s exactly this reaction that usually gets people the reputation for being backward—not the original mistake. 

When someone tells you that you have hurt their feelings in some way, they (usually) aren’t calling you out to shame you or brand you as an oppressor. They are just asking to be heard. 

So when we get defensive, we miss their point. And the other person will feel unheard, on top of the exclusion they already feel.  

What should we do instead? 

When you feel yourself wanting to defend your intention—”I didn’t mean it,” “You didn’t understand,” “You’re too sensitive”—take a breath. 

This is your chance to be intentional—after unintentionally hurting someone.

Try these four steps:

1. Listen. Paying attention to someone is one of the simplest ways to show respect. It goes a long way.

2. Believe. You might not understand it, or might not have reacted in the same way, but try to believe the person when they describe the impact that your words had on them. Accepting their perspective means you’re learning something new. That’s a gift.

3. Apologize. “I’m sorry.” (There’s no “if” or “but.”) This can be the hardest part—but it’s also what leads away from conflict and toward trust.

4. Work. You will need to avoid causing the harm again. If you’re not totally sure what went wrong, you can ask—but don’t assume the other person will take the time to explain. There are other places you can go to learn. (Like this blog!)

Everyone says the wrong thing sometimes. Mistakes are understandable. Don’t compound the mistake by getting defensive.