The Microdecisions That Prevent Microaggressions

Last week, I was exiting the women’s restroom at the airport. I noticed someone walking toward me, head down, on the way into the bathroom—and it looked like a man (to me). I almost said, “Excuse me—this is the women’s restroom”—but caught myself.

I spent the ride home thinking about the encounter and the choice I made.

One possibility: it was an older man making a mistake. This is what I thought in the moment. Wouldn’t the man appreciate a heads-up before entering the wrong restroom?

Another possibility: it was a woman intending to use the women’s restroom. Maybe they don’t “look” female to me—but that’s my mistake, not theirs.

I thought through the upsides and downsides of acting on either of these possibilities. 

If it was a man, then by saying something I would have helped a stranger avoid momentary embarrassment. (Although…if they had walked into the ladies’ room, they would have realized their mistake as soon as they saw a woman inside…or discovered the lack of urinals. Their problem would go away very quickly with or without my intervention.)

However, if it was a woman, then I would have committed a textbook microaggression. The person was going about their day, and a total stranger made a comment that singled them out as different. Even if my intent was to be helpful, the impact would cause harm. My comment would remind them that they don’t conform to many people’s assumptions about what a woman looks like.

Is that a big deal? Yes. People who are non-binary, trans, or otherwise gender non-conforming are subjected to overt hostility, persecution and violence. Individuals, institutions, and governments are making their lives more difficult every day. I’d rather not add one more sting to that barrage.

I am confident that I—like the other person headed to the restroom—made the right choice in the end.